“not all scars show,
not all wounds heal,
sometimes you can’t see the pain,
that someone feels.” – anon
I couldn’t stand another story of miraculous healing, cured illness or transformed relationship. While those seemed to happen in other’s lives, clearly it didn’t happen in mine. I’ve also had enough of Christian friends telling me to have more faith, pray more deeply and attend more bible studies. So at one point I shunned them and found myself alone in my pain.
The pain increased when I saw expecting mothers and little children- which was inevitable since I work in the new born unit of a hospital. It also hurt when colleagues didn’t tell me they were expecting in consideration of my feelings. My constant thought was “Didn’t God love me enough to grant me my little wish of a child?”
As I sat today with the results of yet another failed In-vitro fertilization, I questioned God again, “Why?” Why would someone who could move mountains, make me go through so much pain? The argument that it was to make me stronger, seemed cruel and void. I felt empty and drained.
The devotion of that day started with this verse: “Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labor of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls; Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.” Habakkuk 3: 17-18
At this time I couldn’t stop the surge of tears.
“This is not fair Lord.”
He asked me then: “Would you still love me- cos I do!”
Did he mean if my wishes don’t come true?
I read the verse again and again and teared up every single time.
And my heart spoke:”Yes Lord, I do love you- where could I be apart from you?”
I felt a peace envelope my heart. It’s alright if I don’t understand the why, as long as I know who matters.
That was enough for me.
“The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.”
Zephaniah 3: 17
Dear Lord, I pray for all those who are hurting today. I pray that you give us strength to face all that life throws at us. I pray that your comforting words sustain us, when we want to give up, that in the midst of the raging storm, we feel secure, because you are holding us. And if possible Lord, take this suffering away from us, but your will be done. Amen.