I was depressed, suicidal and the end of my dreams. I admit that most of my pain was of my own doing. At one point of time, I knew that I needed help. I was afraid of losing “it”.
The first person I approached was a Christian friend.
She listened to half my story and then said,”How could you let this happen to you? How could you be so stupid? Remember that you will be judged for whatever you do!”
Another friend said “I can’t believe that you of all people did that. What were you thinking?”
Their words left the wounds gaping and bleeding. The ointment they tried to apply hurt more than the wound itself.
The next person I approached was considered pious, wise and mature. Somewhere through the conversation, I realised that she was digging for details. I also realised that the reason she did was so she could share the spicy story with her prayer mates, so they could tut- tutsy over it during tea. I excused myself and left. I had never been so hurt.
I also lost my trust in the so called ‘godly’ people.
There was a male colleague who very interested in my well being. He seemed to notice everything I might be feeling and gave me a lot of sympathy. But when he asked me out for dinner, I knew he was being an opportunist.
Another friend (you see I had many), referred me to a psychiatrist. He listened to what I was saying attentively, was a bit threatened by my degree in psychology. He reflected back what I had said to him, explained to me where my discrepancies of thought lay, and how I had to take a stand on what I wanted in life.
He was good, but it didn’t help me one bit.
Many friends just vanished from my life when they got to know that I had problems. I guess they preferred to talk about makeup, clothes, and other people.
Anything but my problems.
I wasn’t yet going to give up. I had to fight.
Out of the blue, a “Pray to Jesus” song from Sunday school came to my mind, and I did.
He was right there.
“Where does it hurt?”, he asked. His eyes were so soft and gentle, it made me cry.
“Every where.” I replied crying harder.
And then he took into his arms and held me there with his love till I finished wetting his gown.
“Listen”, he finally said, “I have a plan.”
Then he had a good look at all my wounds, inside and outside and muttered, “Will take time to heal.”
With that he got on his knees and with immeasurable patience, started binding each one of the wounds. The surprising part was that the wounds seemed to get better instantaneously.
“How did you do that?” I asked.
And he smiled ‘that smile’ which makes you all warm inside and want to burst out in joy.
He took me in an auto to a guest house and said “I’ll be back and will be right there whenever you call.”
I wanted to say, “Don’t leave me yet”, but I knew he would keep his promise.
He put two angels in charge of me to make sure I rested till the wounds healed. They were also to make sure I had healthy food for the body and soul. Angela and Gabi got for me apart from yummy food, books and movies which helped me understand what had happened to me better. I, who had been so starved of anything truly virtuous, took it all in.
For months, I walked through life completely dazed, barely perceiving what I was doing or how I was spending my days. I later realised that Jesus had come at the verge of a breakdown, just on time.
I watched how Angela and Gabi kept my feet from slipping and my eyes from seeing danger. They distracted me when danger was near, so I saw it only after it had passed. I still saw missiles of words and arrows of hatred aimed at my heart bounce off their shields and fall at their side. They lifted me over sharp edged stones and I flew on their backs over dangerous and poisonous currents. They became real good friends.
But my bestest friend was Jesus. He came to visit very often, that is how often we called him. Those were the best moments in my life. We laughed and played and talked about so many things.
The most painful process was removing and redoing to bandages. But he insisted that unless they were cleaned they would not heal. So we talked about each one of them. I hadn’t even known some of them existed. Especially the ones on the inside. We talked about how each one of them was caused and he knew the antidote to each one of them. He taught me also how to protect myself from future hurts.
The answer was in putting on an armour apparently (Ephesians6: 10- 18):
I was to stand firm.
I was to wear a belt of truth.
A breast plate of righteousness.
Fit my feet with readiness to spread the gospel of peace.
I was to put on the shield of faith to extinguish flaming arrows.
I was to wear a helmet of salvation.
To hold the sword of the spirit which is God’s word.
I was to pray more on all occasions.
He was so patient and so gentle.
Finally one day, I was ready.
So when it was time for him to leave, I said ” I’m coming with you.”
He smiled and reached for my hand.
Ever since then, life has never been the same.
And the fun thing is, the adventures have just begun.
“Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind.” Psalm 107:19- 21
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