“He didn’t buy me roses, no, not even one, not a card either nor chocolates.”
“What would you do with them anyway?” a friend asked.
“Keep them,” I said, “Smell them, and click pictures.”
“So why don’t you buy some for yourself?” she asked.
“Well, I wouldn’t spend that money on me.” I thought.
Why? Because I thought I was not worth it?
Did I need someone else to restate my self worth?
Have I just read too many slushy novels?
Did I just want to tell my friends about it and display my pictures on facebook?
Which made me think of the romantic notions that we have created for ourselves with the help of media and promotional ads of large companies and the conditions we place on it. Gift and displays of affection should be costly, not of any apparent use in day to day life, if it is food it should be unhealthy and should be given spontaneously. It is confined to special days, such as birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine ’s Day. It would therefore be unromantic to gift your girl friend or wife, a kitchen appliance she badly wanted. Keeping a reminder on his phone about a birthday or an anniversary is taboo. And if you have missed the date by a day, you are doomed.
The book “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus” by John Gray describes 101 ways to score points with women which include:
Point number 6. Bring her cut flowers as a surprise as well as on special occasions.
Point number 26. Tell her “I love you” at least a couple of times every day.
Point number 48. Buy her little presents- like a box of chocolates or perfume.
Point number 56. Drive slowly and safely, respecting her preferences. After all, she is sitting powerless in the front seat.
Point number 96. Let her know that you missed her when you went away.
While some of these suggestions may be useful in expressing love, is this what we women really want?
How many of you guys would do all of this spontaneously just because you wanted to or would you do it just to make your woman happy, because you know she would like it.
Personally speaking I would get highly suspicious of a guy who is too romantic or expressive of his affections. That may also be because I live in a culture where it is not too common.
Some books advise readers to pray about their husbands’ apparent lack of affection.
Doesn’t love also mean that you allow the other person to be himself?
And I wondered If we were forcing men to leave their natural selves and moulding them into our pattern of what romance means and sulking when that doesn’t happen.
I wondered how many of us spoil our relationships with high expectations of romantic gestures and displays of affection.
Maybe we should learn to understand our partner’s ‘love language’ better.
As for me, I know he loves me, even though I haven’t got a gift on any anniversary.
I know that, because I know I am worthy of love.
And because I know he couldn’t live without me.
And after a while of searching I decided to redefine love a bit:
“Love is when he removes her glasses which she has fallen asleep with so gently, she doesn’t notice.
Love is when she likes his morning breath and he doesn’t mind hers.
Love is when he hates the brown dress, but doesn’t say so.
Love is when he gets her chicken at 11 PM just because.
Love it when he buys her sanitary napkins and is not embarrassed.
Love is when he gets up a bit earlier and is ready before she is, cos he knows she is stressed about a presentation she has to do at work.
Love is when he says “ I love you” after she is fast asleep.
Love is when she pretends she doesn’t hear it, but has the sweetest dreams that night.
Love is when he embarrasses himself in public and she doesn’t laugh.
Love is when she is proud of him, and it shows on her face.
Love is when he is trying to spoon her, even when she is mad at him.
Love is when hurtful words that are thrown at her, don’t hurt anymore, because she knows they weren’t aimed at her.
Love is when she has reached the end of the bridge separating them and he takes one step to bridge the gap.
Love is accepting another person just the way he is, not because it is easy,
but because you want to.
Love is NOT a feeling.
Love is hard work.
Love is a choice.”
So I have decided not to care about the roses, because I know he loves me, I see it in his eyes.
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