Manhatten fantasy- Lena Karpinsky
I remember the scene as if it were yesterday, the almost empty classroom, and at the
opposite end, leaning her elbows on the desk, hands in her face was the girl who had been
my best friend for 2 years. We had been inseparable and had no secrets from each other.
There was a sudden unexpected situation in her life which had separated us suddenly
and completely, and now for a while we had been complete strangers.
I wonder what had made me walk upto her, the stranger, not knowing or expecting what
would happen next. So many years later, I’m glad she didn’t rebuff me. She didn’t open
up to me either. We had a formal conversation, but at least we parted as individuals
who wished each other well. The intimacy never came back.
A few years later, it happened again, with another friend – turned – stranger. I managed
to pull myself together and ask her for a lunch date. She said no then, giving me a
ridiculed look, but later sent a message explaining herself. We eventually got back
together, but the intimacy did not. Was it the broken trust, or the unkind thoughts that
follow the break up? Is it at all possible to make up? When is it worth the effort, when
is it not? I so wish they had rules for things like these, or at least a formula!
Now, 15 years later, I am facing a similar situation. This time it is a colleague who is
sitting across the room, leaning back on a chair. A few months back, I would have run to
him in ecstacy, but not now. We hadn’t seen the good side of each other for a while.
What do I do? Do I take that step? It’s more complicated now. I think about the
consequences, what I would lose if I take the step, what if I don’t? Why would I want
to do it anyway? Was it worth the trouble? It was very intimidating. I remembered the
hurtful words, the looks, the feelings, the pain and the humiliation.
What do you think I did?
No, I didn’t….
In the end, it probably boils down to this-If I give more importance to relationship than to my feelings, it would be worth the effort
to mend it. It would also mean that you forgive, swallow your pride and swallow old
feelings even if they come up.
I do hope I get another chance… and if I do, I think I would take that first step,
to cross the bridge.
Love is when he sets his foot on the bridge than separates you, just as you swing
the hammer to break it down……